I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
