Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
