Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
