Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
