3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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