she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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