im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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