i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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