if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
