My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Can Purell be used as lube?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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