if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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