Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
