I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Come on in and take your pants off
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