How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
