When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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