Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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