I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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