i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
