You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
