a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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