I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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