Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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