he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
