:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
