She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
