theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's never too late to be topless.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
