is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
