Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
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I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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