as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
