i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
