I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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