Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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