the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
