remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
