Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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