Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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