What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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