I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
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I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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