i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
