I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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