I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This is the high leading the old right now
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people