Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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