Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
