shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.