he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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