Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
