I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Did I show you my penis last night?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
