You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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