Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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