When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize