We won't sleep together?
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
