my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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