u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
