Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
