This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We have so much sex to catch up on
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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