just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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