did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
