Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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