I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
