His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have fence marks all over my body
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
